And so what we have learned...

Today is my last day of group.

I started group therapy back in June, not knowing what to expect. I was afraid. Afraid I wouldn't be liked; afraid I would say something wrong. Afraid of sharing my inner most thoughts. Those fears were quickly quelled. I have learned so much from group.

Things I've Learned from Group Therapy

1. I've learned what it means to do self-care.  Six months ago I didn't even know that self-care was a concept, let alone a concept I should employ. When I started group, we talked about self-care and what to do. Although in the past I considered my time on the internet something good, I had began realizing how much of a distraction it was and could be. During group, I became more aware that internet time was less of a distraction and more of switch that turned off my emotions. What I thought was feeling good was actually an absence of feeling in general. It then occurred to me that I didn't know what makes me feel good. I didn't know anything about self care or how to implement it. And as others in group shared their activities, I felt left out. What could I do to make me feel good? Thus, I began to experiment. I played my ukulele, I sang, I took walks, I cooked meals. I tried to be more aware of the things that made me feel good inside. And it worked. I felt good. I no longer see the internet as a form of self-care. I see it more as a way to stay in touch and keep informed. If I want to feel good, I will do things that make me feel good.
2. Giving yourself grace.  Coping and self-care are hard. Really hard. You have to fight the voices inside your head that have had control for a very long time. It is unrealistic to expect that once you have skills to implement or ways to feel good that suddenly the badness will disappear, because it doesn't. And it didn't for me. I fight my voices all the time. The ones who tell me I'm stupid, or worthless or nothing. The ones that tell me I don't matter and that I may as well stay in bed because I don't matter in this world. I fight them. And I lose. But sometimes I win. And winning one battle is worth losing a thousand times because that one moment of feeling good sheds more light than the darkness can ever battle against. So, when I lose, I give myself grace. It's okay if I lose a battle. These battles are hard. So I give myself grace to fail and I keep trying anyway.
3. I'm not alone.  I used to have this emptiness inside me whenever I shared my story. No matter how eloquently I tried to relate myself, I knew that non-survivors couldn't get it. And I felt alone. I reached out to survivor blogs and read testimonies. But I still felt so solitary. For as much as Josh could love me, he will never know what it's like to go what I go through. That is an isolating effect on being survivor. But group has filled this empty spot. When I go there and share my feelings, people get what I have to say. When before I felt like I was rambling, in group I was expressing. Because with numbers like 1 in 4 children being sexually abused, and 1 in 6 women being sexually assaulted in her lifetime, how can I be alone?

I am sad that group is ending. But I'm so glad I took part in it. I feel so much better off and I feel that I can really work on making my life what I want it to be: happy and balanced.

Learning self-care

I've been going to group lately. It was a big step for me. The last time I was told to go to group was at my university counseling center. They implied that I was too much for them and that it was time for me to move on. (I've recently realized how shitty they are to survivors.)  This time was different. I was invited and it was obvious that it was my choice. So I chose to go. I'm so glad I did. The group is discussion based and everyone is encouraged to talk. We were all nervous at first, but we're slowly bonding and learning that we can trust each other.

Part of what comes up in group a lot is self care. My therapist has mentioned this a bit, but hearing other people talk about it has made me realize that I don't really know how to do self care and that I'm not clear on what it is. It seems obvious, doesn't it? To take care of one's self. But I can't find the line between self-care and shutting down. Is self care strictly something I enjoy? Or is it something deeper? I'm not really sure, so I'm trying new things to learn.

First, I'm blogging. I'd like to blog on this site more, but sometimes it's hard to come up with the words to what I'm feeling. I don't want this blog to be like a diary. Second, I'm trying new self-esteem builders. I'm taking self portraits on my phone. Sometimes I post them to my Tumblr. I'm starting to learn how other people may see me. (I can hear my sister right now saying that I shouldn't care in the first place.) I'm also cooking more, and making healthier meals. My friend Hummingbird has taught me how to make pasta dishes without sauce. She's taught me a lot of other recipes as well.

I'm trying to learn the different feeling that actual self-care can bring. So far, I've found that I enjoy creating. For too long, I have ignored my innate creativity because I was so afraid of what other people will think and the negativity it would bring. I've since learned that it doesn't really matter because it makes me feel good and when other people like it, it's just icing on the cake.

How do you practice self-care?