Learning self-care

I've been going to group lately. It was a big step for me. The last time I was told to go to group was at my university counseling center. They implied that I was too much for them and that it was time for me to move on. (I've recently realized how shitty they are to survivors.)  This time was different. I was invited and it was obvious that it was my choice. So I chose to go. I'm so glad I did. The group is discussion based and everyone is encouraged to talk. We were all nervous at first, but we're slowly bonding and learning that we can trust each other.

Part of what comes up in group a lot is self care. My therapist has mentioned this a bit, but hearing other people talk about it has made me realize that I don't really know how to do self care and that I'm not clear on what it is. It seems obvious, doesn't it? To take care of one's self. But I can't find the line between self-care and shutting down. Is self care strictly something I enjoy? Or is it something deeper? I'm not really sure, so I'm trying new things to learn.

First, I'm blogging. I'd like to blog on this site more, but sometimes it's hard to come up with the words to what I'm feeling. I don't want this blog to be like a diary. Second, I'm trying new self-esteem builders. I'm taking self portraits on my phone. Sometimes I post them to my Tumblr. I'm starting to learn how other people may see me. (I can hear my sister right now saying that I shouldn't care in the first place.) I'm also cooking more, and making healthier meals. My friend Hummingbird has taught me how to make pasta dishes without sauce. She's taught me a lot of other recipes as well.

I'm trying to learn the different feeling that actual self-care can bring. So far, I've found that I enjoy creating. For too long, I have ignored my innate creativity because I was so afraid of what other people will think and the negativity it would bring. I've since learned that it doesn't really matter because it makes me feel good and when other people like it, it's just icing on the cake.

How do you practice self-care?

Welcome!

What is Witness?  The dictionary describes a witness as "an individual who, being present, personally sees or perceives a thing" (dictionary.com).  Everyday we witness our lives and the lives of others, but rarely do we testify.  That's what Witness is: a testimony.  I'll write what I witness and invite you to do the same.  This blog is for sharing experiences.  It's for speaking. It's for listening.  It's for belonging.  

I started this blog a couple years ago after going through a rather transformative experience. I thought I could get all my thoughts out there, but in truth, I needed to process internally before I could communicate my revelations. Processing experiences, especially traumatic ones, can take time. They take even more time if you're a grad student like I was. Now, I've graduated and am job hunting so I have all sorts of free time.  So I'm starting again, because it's never too late. 

I want to make clear that I will do my best to make this blog a safe space for readers to share their experiences. Sharing moments of trauma is difficult and should be done in productive environment that I want to provide.

So welcome, everyone!

Breaking the Silence

For Lent this year, I decided to work towards better self-esteem.  I though I may as well because my therapist told me I'm no longer allowed to think I'm bad once spring break was over.  Head start and all.  Anyway, I've found that it's more of an uphill battle than I realized.  I began to notice the intricate ways my mind punishes me into thinking I'm bad.  When I'm feeling genuine happiness, my mind will lead me to an embarrassing memory, one where I usually make a faux pas, or I just look like an idiot.  My happiness is killed in an instant and I can't remember why I felt good about myself.  Mission accomplished, I guess.

My mind takes criticism personally as well.  I can't help but feel disappointed when my professor in creative non-fiction tells me my craft needs work.  Or that Susie Suchandsuch was the best student she ever had.  "You're not good enough," my self-critic tells me.  It doesn't like it when I write.  It has no problem pulling out all the stops.  "You're never going to be good enough.  This whole idea is a joke.  Why do you even think you should write?"  My self-critic says similar things when I think about my abuse.  It tells me to shut up.  I'm worthless.  No one will believe me.  No one will care.  I reminds me of all the shaming memories I can't seem to erase.  All the times I told someone.  All the times I didn't understand, couldn't understand what my abuse meant.  It wants to stop me.  Keep me from telling my story.  It will stop at nothing to beat my self-worth into submission and so that I will shut the hell up.  To be silent.  My crime, the crime done against me, is unspeakable. 

But I won't let it win. 

My name is Ariel Smith and I'm a survivor of sexual abuse.  Let's talk about it.

Welcome to my blog.